She'll Always Be Doctor Donna
by mahlia
Summary: It ripped Ten apart to take Donna's memories of them and leave her behind, but after he regenerates, he takes an enormous risk to check in on his best friend to see how she's doing. He's not at all prepared for what he finds, however, and comes dangerously close to being recognized.


I stumbled across a gifset portraying Eleven standing outside the TARDIS, watching Donna and two children, from when she in that alternate reality during the events of Silence in the Library, and what you're about to read is the result of my muse going HEY! LOOK! SAD DOCTOR WHO STUFF! GO WRITE IT!

This is rated K and I own absolutely nothing.

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The night he brought Donna home for the final time, showing up on the doorstep with his unconscious companion in his arms, the Doctor unknowingly left something of himself behind. It wasn't a souvenir of any kind, nor was it anything at all tangible. It wouldn't be any danger to her but it would most certainly have an impact on him, one that would wound him deeply, but also repair some of the guilt he'd carried around after he'd said goodbye.

Before he knocked on the door he took a moment to study her face, memorizing the way she looked in that moment: peaceful, relaxed and _safe_. In his arms there in the darkness on her front stoop in Chiswick, she was safe. And she would stay that way, no matter what. Taking away her memories of their time together was cruel, but necessary. Why did the necessary things always have to be the cruel ones?

He shook his head sadly and brushed a lock of hair away from her face, his hand lingering in her hair for a moment as he unwillingly relived their last few moments together as the Doctor and his treasured companion.

_"No! Oh my god… I can't go back. Don't make me go back. Doctor, please, __**please**__ don't make me go back!"_

_He looked at her and his fractured hearts cracked a bit further. They had grown so close and she had finally realized about herself what the Doctor had known all along- she wasn't 'just a temp'. Even without the Time Lord part of her, she was Donna bloody Noble and she was __**somebody**__. She didn't need to be half Time Lord to be important. She was somebody because she was a wonderful, smart and caring human being and had been his best friend. She'll __**always**__ be his best friend._

_The selfish side of him pondered the idea of letting her stay with him until her end, knowing she didn't want to go back to the life she had before, even if it meant she would die. He could see the fear in her eyes as the Time Lord part of her continued wreaking its havoc on her mind._

**_NO._**

_He couldn't let that happen to her. He __**wouldn't**__. He wouldn't allow her to sacrifice herself to stay with him and he wouldn't give her the chance to even consider it. The thought of something happening to Donna when he had the ability to keep her safe made him ill and he swallowed hard, watching her. She was clinging to the edge of the TARDIS console, her eyes brimming with tears as the enormity of the situation hit her. He hauled her close and wrapped his arms around her tightly, trying very hard to keep his composure so as not to let on what was going to do. _

_"Donna. Oh, Donna Noble. I am so sorry. But we had the best of times. The best." He smiled sadly into her hair, closing his eyes and wishing he didn't have to do this to her. Or to himself, but most of all, to her. She looked up at him, her eyes red and full of tears, as if she subconsciously knew what was going to happen, but she hadn't fully realized it yet._

_"Goodbye," he whispered. His resolve nearly crumbled the moment it hit her. Her eyes widened and she stepped back from him, the smallest amount of fear in her eyes._

_"No, no, no, please!" she begged, shaking her head violently, her fingers gripping the lapels of his jacket tightly. She'd started shaking now as well._

_He took her head in his hands, his fingertips delicately over her temples, and started erasing from her memory every trace of himself and their time together. She continued to try and fight him even as her legs weakened and began to buckle._

_"No!"_

_As she fell into unconsciousness and slumped against his chest, he wrapped his arms around her and slammed his eyes shut, the all-consuming sadness threatening to take over once again._

_"I'm so sorry."_

A single tear dropped from his eye and landed on her cheek, running down the side of her face before disappearing into her hair. The Doctor continued to hold her, afraid to knock on the door because it meant she was no longer his companion and he would have to leave her there alone. Had she not had Wilf around, he had no idea what he would have done. There was no way he would leave her with only her mother.

He forced his arm to rise and knocked on the door, hearing the commotion and excited footsteps as Wilf shuffled to the door. The sudden flood of light into the darkness of the porch caused the Doctor to blink several times, his eyes adjusting to the harsh overhead light. And when he saw the pain in Wilf's face, he barely managed to speak.

"Help me."

…

That was five years ago and somehow he'd regenerated only once since then. Thankfully the new form had made it a bit easier to look in the mirror, but there was no _way_ regeneration could erase the hurt, suffering and agony he'd experienced in his millennia of being alive and losing those he loved in particular. In the grand scheme of things, the good did outweigh the bad, but only just. Lately it was getting harder to carry on, and factoring in the enormous sense of loss he'd felt after Amy and Rory, he knew he was getting reckless. He needed to be reminded of who he was, who he could be.

Which was exactly why he was standing here now leaning against the TARDIS, watching someone who'd long since forgotten him run around after two adorable children. Donna may not have the ability to remember him, bless her, but he remembered everything about her. Just being in her presence calmed him in a way he couldn't remember feeling until he'd met her and his mood had improved straight away. He had been able to resist doing this, taking the enormous risk of going to see her, until he'd stumbled across a diary she'd been keeping while rummaging around the storage rooms in the TARDIS.

He rationalized his trip by saying there's no way she could recognize him in this new form and that it couldn't hurt to pop in and see how she's doing. And from the two little ones she was chasing around on the playground, she was doing very well indeed. A boy and his younger sister took turns on the slide while Donna crouched at the bottom with the smile of a tired but incredibly happy mum. For the first time in a long while, a genuine smile tugged at the corners of his mouth and he felt happy tears sting his eyes.

A gust of wind swirled through the playground, bringing with it drops of rain from an approaching storm. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he continued watching Donna as she stood up and stared at the sky, her back to him. A distant grumble of thunder echoed through the afternoon and she turned back toward her little ones, who'd moved on to the sandbox. He wasn't prepared to hear her voice but it wasn't the sound of a voice he missed so terribly that about killed him. It was what she said.

"Oi! Rose and Jack! Come now, we've got to get home before it rains."

He froze.

_Rose and Jack? There's no way.. She couldn't have remembered.._

Little Rose and Jack ran toward Donna, Jack whimpering about not wanting to leave yet. Donna was firm but kind as she knelt in front of him, zipping up his coat.

"No, love, we've got to go. I don't want you getting sick."

"You're not a doctor," Jack teased. "So I don't have to listen to you."

Donna smiled and tweaked his nose, opening her mouth to say something. Rose interrupted.

"I'm not leaving yet- I haven't had a turn on the swing!"

The Doctor chuckled, the defiance in Rose's voice a definite indicator that she indeed took after her mummy. Donna turned toward the sound and her gaze locked onto his. He gave a single nod and smiled softly, wanting desperately to talk to her and ask how she's been, but knowing he couldn't take that risk. Donna tilted her head and stared at him a moment before dismissing him and turning back toward her son.

"Oh, but here's the catch, Jack," she said with a grin. "I'm your mum, which, among many things, makes me Doctor Donna, yeah? So yes, you do have to listen to me. Doctor's orders."

The Doctor closed his eyes and fought back tears. _Doctor Donna_. _Her children call her Doctor Donna_. A slew of painful memories rushed through his mind, beginning with a spitfire of a woman in a wedding gown and ending with his best friend pleading with him not to take her memories from her. When he opened them again, Rose was scurrying to the swings as Donna chased after her.

"Oh no, you don't, missy" Donna said, taking Rose's hand and leading her to the car. "We're going home."

"Well isn't _that_ wizard," Rose muttered. Donna gave her a look and she was quiet.

He watched as Donna walked away hand in hand with little Rose and Jack, two lucky children with the one and only Doctor Donna as their mum. He didn't try to hide the pain he was in, and when Donna looked up one last time and saw him crying, her face fell and she stopped, pausing a second before changing direction and taking a step toward him.

For a moment they stared at each other, one desperate to comfort a clearly unhappy man, the other nearly willing to sacrifice everything to talk to his friend, but neither able to take a step forward. Donna froze, feeling like she should know this man but having no idea how. His posture was familiar, as was the haunted look in his eyes, but she could place neither.

The Doctor, not willing to gamble with her life that way, drew a shaky breath and as the tears continued falling, he gently shook his head and managed a small smile. Donna was clearly puzzled and quirked an eyebrow in question. He held up a hand again shaking his head to show her he was fine. She huffed an annoyed Donna Noble sigh before turning around and walking away with her children. He watched her a few more moments before stepping back into the TARDIS and collapsing against the center console. Relief, sadness and a new sense of grief engulfed him as his shoulders shook with sobs.

The wind picked up and Donna shivered, turning around to see if the strange, grief-stricken man was still standing there but both he and the police box were gone. For some reason, she was incredibly disappointed.

She just didn't know why.


End file.
